Defining one self

With recent events in my life I have decided to redefine myself. So out with old an din with the new. The problem I am having is one I have written about before. How defined can you be? Silly question now a days is it not.

Now here comes the old man rhetoric. I used to walk into a darkened club and when ask I would say I am a submissive later changed to a slave. I liked corporal punishment, bondage, service and humiliation.

Now to say the same thing might take an hour or two but I will try later on at the end. I just have a few questions first. How defined do we really want to be? Who to hell knows all the meanings? Penetration means at least to me something going in. I was told penetration is a term used for objects but not butt plugs that is pluggin. Oh and penis penetration is still buggering but few know that term it is an ass fuck or rape depending on who you talk to. Being goosed is a finger fuck and anal play does not include rimming. And is there a difference between ass play and anal play. What is play piercing does it not mean the skin is broken then it is pierced. Ball busting means being kicked in the balls but being slapped there does not fall under ball busting, nor does presses. Spanking well, hand, belt or paddle which do you fall under for me a good ass beating was what I called it. I could see my self tell a dominant okay three minutes of hand two with the belt and 6 with paddle and a liberal spray of alcohol please hold on that is chemical torture now. Predicament bondage is not being in bondage a predicament, ball and cock bondage no that is not really part of cbt go figure could not do that could we. Humiliations well there is small penis humiliation but what makes a small penis some say less than three inches others say one and a half flaccid let attack it another way what is big hey I can answer that anything that hurts when it is placed in my ass! Hot wax or paraffin play is that not what wax is paraffin?

Getting into the over all name. There once was a bottom , a submissive, a slave they basically did what the dominants told them naked in uniform or a dress. Now there are sissy boys, sissy maids., Cross dressers houseboys, sex slave (hmmmm like that one) boot slave, puppy dogs, ponies, bondage bottoms, pain sluts, sluts, stable boys, piss slaves, toilet slaves, cuckolds and of course goreans. Sorry if I missed any but hell I was lost before imagine now.

As I perused fetlife and their list of fetishes I kept running into titles that I have no idea of. Checking on wickapedia I came up empty I will not bore you with them all just one sticks out in my mind boot blacking!

So now my turn here goes? I am a slave, well not really 9 or ten hard limits from being a real slave. So basically the dominants says and I do or at least I am if I understand what the heck they mean. So I guess that means I am a servant, maid , forced cross dresser, house boy, sex slave, cuckold, into anal, cp, cbt, anal play , ass play, bondage, cock and ball bondage, predicament bondage, butt plugs, clothes pegs, clamps, canes, chains, dildos, blindfolds, spankings, hand spankings, belt spankings, paddling on my ass not canoe, water sports, hot wax, paraffin, having a lit cigarette dragged of my ass cheeks, shaving, receiving anal penetrations with most objects including strap ons…. By the time I finish this list I will be retired hmmm just call me a slave and we can discuss the rest over a coffee.

C'est la vie

This would have been a rant but instead it will be a learning experience for me. After repeated emails and calls I found out that my suspicions were well founded. I finally received a short to the point reply from a friend of twenty years. You seem to have drifted to a darkness that we do not wish to associate with. We prefer our dungeons to be a concept rather than a reality. We do not wish further contact with you.

Some that call themselves friends I think in reality mean you must share all their concepts and ideas. A shame I enjoyed their company and resources for medieval weapons and castle building. C’est la vie.

So seems that we are not a liberated society that I thought we were. I did not tell them of my love of bdsm no in this day and age they google my handle and found my blog. Oh well I could hide my blog or not post pictures of my self but I have already removed it once but no longer feel like hiding it anymore it is an expression of who I am and if some one does not like well don’t look ther eis a warning. If more friends wish to raise their hands to their open mouth sand gasp well then I made them live for a few second and gave them hours of gossip that they can spread about like jelly. Hmmm wrestling in jelly could be fun. Not so bad if you can make some one come alive for a few moments.

At this time in my life I must say at times I am very frustrated. I am not at a point where I am enjoying myself nor are there many prospects that I will find what I look for. Perhaps a good thing to leave some old friendships drop by the way side and re-evaluate relations , friends where I am where I want to be . I think those that I have one or two things in common with detract from my time and efforts to move along and enjoy myself. I have done too much mentoring given away precious time to those that no longer say hello. Old slaves might just occupy too much of my time and all the Dominants that never contact me perhaps I shall just leave them alone till they do.

So it is not a rant but perhaps a self-realization I constantly tell one of my good friends that he tries to please and help too many, those not really worthy of his time or just take away from his own enjoyment. Perhaps I too am guilty of that I always thought I was not but it could be in here somewhere. So I guess those good friends of mine that after seeing me naked with a red ass tied to a cross have given me the fodder to get into gear. I guess I should send them a thank you card you one that has me ties up having my balls beat or perhaps hot wax. That sort of goes along with medieval torture does it not?

Okay what did I learn? If you want something you have to understand things cannot stay the same. Things will get broken some will mend other will not. C’est la vie!

Degrees of seperation

Degrees of separation

I have been busy asking lifestylers about the difference between a slave and a sub I asked only those of course that believe in a difference. The major difference and no not accurate to 6 one hundreds is that they believe a slave has or should have no hard limits. Some said it was about how negotiations are done, others said trust, a few said slaves will serve anyone owned or not , I think that is call a doormat but we will let them dream.

So for me the consensus of a very small group of Dom/mes share the idea of hard limits being the difference and the next major similar choice was trust. SO my list of hard limit s will show how far I am away from the ideal slave.

First Non-consensual.

This is my kink that everyone’s this also includes children, those that cannot make legal decisions, and I love this expression I got from a Dom I only play with my species.

Body modifications.

Yep I want to keep all my body parts and not have needles or piercing pushed through nor do I need a tattoo saying Mistress so and so on my ass reduces the re-sale value of the slave.

Family, business and friends.

This could be a soft limit depends but right now I would not want that to happen. This includes photos of my face just do not want to see tht plaster all over the internet.

Masks, gags and confinement in small dark areas.

Just somewhere I do not want to go.

Penile insertions.

Pretty free in anal play however my penis is a one way out an exit only.

Legal.

Yes well might be convince to be outside naked in non populated area or when the chance is minimal but prostituting my self or breaking of laws no way. So sort of a soft limit at times as a friend said depends sometimes.

Scat

Again do not mind things in the ass, things that come out clean just no excrement on me or me expelling it touching or anything else. Out of a clean ass I will rim, eat grapes just no crap please. Sort of a soft limit bad choice of words I guess but hard limit is shit.

So that give me a total of 7 hard limits 3 soft and 4 hard limits. Ten degrees from me being an ideal slave, or at lest my ideal. Some of them might fall if I really trust some one other would never.

Now trust that cannot be measured nor can I give it must be earned I would call it payment for my slavery is the work a dominant has to put in to earn it then we can see about what limits can be pushed a little.

Just some things I am pondering

SO in the true sense of the word should a slave be subservient to any dominant showing them respect and observing a pecking order in life or should they only show that to the one or ones that own them? If some one wants to be a slave and is un owned does that mean they can stand like a free person equal to all amongst the dominant ones until they are owned?

Seems that the stories I have heard about and how I started was if you were a slave you served all in the house or club. Any dominant could use you or reprimand you for errors and punish you for infractions. That did not mean if you were owned tht once your owner found out that you would not be punished again.

In my more recent past this has sort of changed around . You do not have to act subservient to dominants other than your owner and who they diecide you should. So when not owned I am at liberty to argue , talk down to and not worry about any consequences. This to me opens the door to teasing dominants, as I know there will be no retribution. That allows me to escape from the mindset of a slave and more into a bratty sub. That is not a good thing caused me to go after what I want not try to please the desires of others.
Certainly for me the definition of a slave is simple but I feel political correctness and more not observing basic rules has caused being a slave a very complicated thing.

Along those lines I remember hearing a supposed slave tell his master whom he did not want to play with at a private party. Yes I know all the risks of un protected play but tell your owner who and how you can be used is just not slave like but like all things now a days rules seem to be bent for those that cannot work within them almost like saying do not reward those that can just change the rules so they can. Of course I might be the dinosaur here looking for the old days as they are owned and I am not.

As I said just some thoughts

Droppings

There is inventiveness about Dominants. I have said I wish not to have hard limits but there are some things that are a must, Those that cannot be consensual, animals, children and those that cannot make a legal decision. Family is sort of in there and those that do not consent of course.
There is penile insert, which would take a long, long time for me to loose as a hard limit. Water sports I am fine with but yep the other end yuck, yuck, and yuck. Scat is yuck.

So how do I get around the hard limits bit that I am not supposed to have? The other points I think most normal dominants would agree but some like the humiliation caused by scat, yuck. I do not mind the food being smeared on me ketchup mustard as long as it is done prior to digestion like the before.

This was brought up to me in a chat with a Dominant. He understood the wish no to eat but perhaps the dropping which turned my stomach right away and I had to say no way could I. He then suggested that what if I cleaned myself prior to play and then he could stuff my anus with grapes and let them ferment and that said I have no problem with. Then he said what about eating them. Squeamish I thought and thought and could not really find a reason not to. I have rimmed others that were clean as he pointed out to me. So he felt that the grapes once deposited could them be place on another of his slave, in-between his cheeks and then I could munch down.

Some how now this sounded humiliating and disgusting but of interest. As the main thing of scat that I do not like is what it is. Then he ask what if he clean himself out and put the grapes inside of himself that way he could plop them out to give him the sensation of well for a lack of a better word crapping on me.

I still do not feel a hundred percent about this and I need not worry as he lives in California but the real question is how many hard limits should a slave be allowed or should be allowed if their definition of a slave is to do what the dominant says with out right to say no.

A boring day ahead

I am not an anal person well I am but I am not. I love ass play but my character is far more relax I go with the flow. But there are things that annoy me. Buses that do not run on time, people that are late for appointments, blogs that are not there and excuses that are lame.

It is most annoying tht a blog goes quiet just because they are on spring breakor have to buy a car. Most inconsiderate of them to interrupt my reading of them how dares they. LOL just a little fun shot at a friend who has complained in the past about blogs disappearing.

A quiet day ahead for me and I think for many others or at least changes in their routines. So much has changed, munches have gone by the wayside, long chats with a variety of people are absent. Every one now makes toys so no real need or should I say want to purchase there are some web sites with great quality items. Almost everyone writes stories or journals, there are so many sites and clubs out there that we no long have the need to go underground with hankie codes and wink, wink. Every one talks of safety and safe words. There are list upon list of do’s and don’ts and how to’s that if they were all printed we would loose all of the rainforests.
I think I am missing. yes the old days of seedy adventure and fear. Searching through ad upon ad looking for key words such ” very strong minded or you need to be able to follow instructions “. The walking into a club and not knowing what you would walk out with all the excitement that you felt like a kid again at Christmas. Private parties and doors that opened and closed so quickly that you thought your ass was chopped off. The looks from those disgusting people that you hope would talk to you. Having some one walk up to you and tell you they wanted and off you went for a night of play with a stranger trusting that they had as much to loose as your did if they went too far but so wrapped up in the moment that the allure was too strong to say know.

Yes I know totally unsafe, I know all the dangers that we skirted the times it could have gone either way and the bruises and marks to show that we were not in a gentle lifestyle. I think I do miss excitement of fear that was always present yep missing the old days and the excitement of entering the unknown throwing caution to wind for the change of fulfillment of desire. So time for a coffee I guess and hopefully I will be ravaged by a postal women or a meter reader or maybe ……

Exercising

I have always been able to get up sports. Any type of competition actually I love to compete. However getting into shape by exercise rather then play myself into shape has always been a difficult for me. Any drudgery activity is like that for me. It is so easy when some one is cheering you on rather then the silence of a gym or a solitary work out.

The only motivating factor for me is when I am with a dominant. First of all is is set as a task and secondly they can make it so much more interesting eith when they are there or not. Th e idea of being in a body harness and having to go on the stationary bike for ten minutes can cause a lot of interesting sensation suck as the ropes pulling and pinching areas of the body. Having times set by yourself does not mean much if you do not make them however when you do not make them with a dominant involved usually means an unpleasant sensation of some form. These have always increased my ability to meet objectives when a dominant is around.

Perhaps they should open up a gym Dominants are us I am sure they could come up with all sorts of incentives toget into shape.Well guess I have wasted enought time got to get back to the exercising again oh what is that an email well guess I have to answer it might be importatnms it is in my junk mail folder but hey it could be imporatant couldn't it? Right!